Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
