So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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