I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
