...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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