I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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