We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
