I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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