her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm both gender and math confused
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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