So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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