..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
