dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She bit a glass in half.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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