My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
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I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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