Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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