remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
