You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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