I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
