He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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