I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
