If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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