i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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