I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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