I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
