covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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