And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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