HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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