My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Randomize
