If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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