I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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