Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
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How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
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Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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