i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
