You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
