I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
