Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
