I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
