how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
