when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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