dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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