hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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