I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
