He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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