Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
