if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
