Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
