Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
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Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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