Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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