he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
