im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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