did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
