Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
