After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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