Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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