I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
