if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
