im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
