if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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