the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
