Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
