If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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